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For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Like
Molly
Hair
High
Future
Makes
School
Feel
Feels
Hatchet

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A joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it. They react to it in the wrong way. I mean, you can boo or laugh, and that's pretty much what you're supposed to do with jokes. You're not supposed to take it any further than that.
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I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
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I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
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I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.
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I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
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Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
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I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.
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It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.
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I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
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Being on the road is kind of lonely.
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I don't watch reality TV.
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Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.
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Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.
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I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.
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Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.
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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
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I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.
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Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.
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I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!
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