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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Really
Choice
Love
Actor
Like
Stand
Choices
Though
Actors
Matter
Specials
Much
Putting

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I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
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You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.
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Jesse Joyce is a great writer.
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I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!
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If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus. Time to buy a Porsche.
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I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.
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I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.
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It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.
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I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.
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Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
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I have no grand scheme.
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What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
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Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.
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Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.
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If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
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I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.
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Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100 diapering your monkey, 35 calories laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
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Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice those kids gotta get to school!
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