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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Love
Actor
Like
Stand
Choices
Though
Actors
Matter
Specials
Much
Putting
Really
Choice

More quotes by Dave Attell

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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
Dave Attell
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You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. Land mine '69. You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. Snow blower, bottle of whiskey. You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy.
Dave Attell
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Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.
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I have no grand scheme.
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Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!
Dave Attell
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I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.
Dave Attell
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I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.
Dave Attell
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Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
Dave Attell
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It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.
Dave Attell
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
Dave Attell
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Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.
Dave Attell
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Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100 diapering your monkey, 35 calories laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
Dave Attell
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Sometimes. I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. I'm pretty low on the showbiz totem pole - I mean, I'm no Jon or Kate plus eight. I'm just a comic, not a baby factory.
Dave Attell
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My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
Dave Attell
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I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
Dave Attell
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If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
Dave Attell
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Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
Dave Attell
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For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.
Dave Attell
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I never wanted to be famous.
Dave Attell
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I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother.
Dave Attell