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You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. Land mine '69. You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. Snow blower, bottle of whiskey. You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy.
Dave Attell
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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Wells
Mine
Tooth
Well
Arms
Whiskey
Would
Humor
Bottle
Like
Land
Bottles
Guy
Snow
Story
Teeth
Funny
Legs
Blower
Stories
Mines
Taffy
More quotes by Dave Attell
For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.
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If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ride home.
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I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
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If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus. Time to buy a Porsche.
Dave Attell
Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.
Dave Attell
I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother.
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Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.
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Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
Dave Attell
Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
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I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
Dave Attell
It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.
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I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.
Dave Attell
What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
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The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down!
Dave Attell
I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
Dave Attell
Being on the road is kind of lonely.
Dave Attell
I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.
Dave Attell
Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
Dave Attell
I never wanted to be famous.
Dave Attell
