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You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. Land mine '69. You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. Snow blower, bottle of whiskey. You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy.
Dave Attell
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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Like
Land
Bottles
Guy
Snow
Story
Teeth
Funny
Legs
Blower
Stories
Mines
Taffy
Wells
Mine
Tooth
Well
Arms
Whiskey
Would
Humor
Bottle
More quotes by Dave Attell
Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
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I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!
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You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.
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I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.
Dave Attell
Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100 diapering your monkey, 35 calories laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
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You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
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Jesse Joyce is a great writer.
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I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.
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Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
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Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.
Dave Attell
I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
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If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
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Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.
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Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
Dave Attell
Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
Dave Attell
I never wanted to be famous.
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I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother.
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Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
Dave Attell
Being on the road is kind of lonely.
Dave Attell
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
Dave Attell
