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So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.
Dave Attell
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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Way
Passed
Drunk
Took
Humor
Style
Funny
Place
Doggy
Back
Planned
More quotes by Dave Attell
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
Dave Attell
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
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Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.
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Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
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It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.
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What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
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Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!
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I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!
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I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
Dave Attell
I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.
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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
Dave Attell
Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice those kids gotta get to school!
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If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus. Time to buy a Porsche.
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I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.
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The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down!
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You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun.
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For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.
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You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. Land mine '69. You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. Snow blower, bottle of whiskey. You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy.
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You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.
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I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
Dave Attell