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So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.
Dave Attell
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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Way
Passed
Drunk
Took
Humor
Style
Funny
Place
Doggy
Back
Planned
More quotes by Dave Attell
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
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You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
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Jesse Joyce is a great writer.
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I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.
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Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
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You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.
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Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
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Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
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I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!
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Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100 diapering your monkey, 35 calories laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
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I have no grand scheme.
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I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
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Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
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You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.
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I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.
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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
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I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
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You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. Land mine '69. You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. Snow blower, bottle of whiskey. You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy.
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If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus. Time to buy a Porsche.
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