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I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Stories
Magazines
Different
Gay
Minding
Sitting
Magicians
Humor
Magician
Reading
Station
Story
Bus
Funny
Magazine
Business
Stations

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I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
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Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
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Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
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I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.
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Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
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I have no grand scheme.
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Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.
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So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.
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For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.
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Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!
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I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
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Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.
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I don't watch reality TV.
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My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
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I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
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I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.
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What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
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You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
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Being on the road is kind of lonely.
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Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100 diapering your monkey, 35 calories laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
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