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I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Sitting
Magicians
Humor
Magician
Reading
Station
Story
Bus
Funny
Magazine
Business
Stations
Stories
Magazines
Different
Gay
Minding

More quotes by Dave Attell

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Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
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So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.
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I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother.
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Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
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You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.
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Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.
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Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
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Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
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I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
Dave Attell
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You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. Land mine '69. You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. Snow blower, bottle of whiskey. You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy.
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The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down!
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I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
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I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!
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Jesse Joyce is a great writer.
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You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun.
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I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.
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What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
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I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.
Dave Attell
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Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!
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I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.
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