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I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Think
Thinking
Masturbate
Like
Gonna
Humor
Winning
Funny
Keep
Something

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Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
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Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!
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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
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Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
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I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
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I never wanted to be famous.
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I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
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A joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it. They react to it in the wrong way. I mean, you can boo or laugh, and that's pretty much what you're supposed to do with jokes. You're not supposed to take it any further than that.
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I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother.
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It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.
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You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.
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If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus. Time to buy a Porsche.
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Jesse Joyce is a great writer.
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Being on the road is kind of lonely.
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I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
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Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice those kids gotta get to school!
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You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun.
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I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!
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I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.
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Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
Dave Attell