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Being on the road is kind of lonely.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Lonely
Road
Kind

More quotes by Dave Attell

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You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. Land mine '69. You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. Snow blower, bottle of whiskey. You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy.
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You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
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It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.
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For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
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I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.
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So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.
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I don't watch reality TV.
Dave Attell
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I have no grand scheme.
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What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
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Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.
Dave Attell
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I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.
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Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
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Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.
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Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
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If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.
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I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.
Dave Attell
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I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
Dave Attell
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I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
Dave Attell
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A joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it. They react to it in the wrong way. I mean, you can boo or laugh, and that's pretty much what you're supposed to do with jokes. You're not supposed to take it any further than that.
Dave Attell