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Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Else
Like
Offstage
Fight
Fighting
Everyone

More quotes by Dave Attell

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I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.
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I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother.
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You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.
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I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
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Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
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For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.
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You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun.
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You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.
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I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
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I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
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I have no grand scheme.
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
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I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
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I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.
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If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.
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Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
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Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.
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Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.
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I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
Dave Attell