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I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Need
Channel
Needs
Girlfriend
Discovered
Discovery
Watches
Watch
Television
Funny

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I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.
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Being on the road is kind of lonely.
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Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
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Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
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I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!
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Jesse Joyce is a great writer.
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You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun.
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Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
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If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.
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The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down!
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Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
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Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!
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I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.
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Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
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I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother.
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Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100 diapering your monkey, 35 calories laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
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I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.
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Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
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