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I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Funny
Need
Channel
Needs
Girlfriend
Discovered
Discovery
Watches
Watch
Television

More quotes by Dave Attell

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Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.
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Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100 diapering your monkey, 35 calories laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
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I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
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If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus. Time to buy a Porsche.
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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
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Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!
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What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
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I don't watch reality TV.
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I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.
Dave Attell
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I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.
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Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
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So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.
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Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
Dave Attell
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I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
Dave Attell
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You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun.
Dave Attell
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You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.
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For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.
Dave Attell
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Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
Dave Attell
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I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!
Dave Attell