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I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Discovered
Discovery
Watches
Watch
Television
Funny
Need
Channel
Needs
Girlfriend

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I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
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Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!
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Sometimes. I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. I'm pretty low on the showbiz totem pole - I mean, I'm no Jon or Kate plus eight. I'm just a comic, not a baby factory.
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Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
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I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother.
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I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
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I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.
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If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.
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You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.
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I have no grand scheme.
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Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
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So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.
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Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
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I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!
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I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.
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You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
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I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!
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Jesse Joyce is a great writer.
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You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. Land mine '69. You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. Snow blower, bottle of whiskey. You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy.
Dave Attell