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I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Watches
Watch
Television
Funny
Need
Channel
Needs
Girlfriend
Discovered
Discovery

More quotes by Dave Attell

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I never wanted to be famous.
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What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
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Being on the road is kind of lonely.
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If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
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You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.
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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
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I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.
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I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
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You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
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I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
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I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
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If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus. Time to buy a Porsche.
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I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
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I have no grand scheme.
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I don't watch reality TV.
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I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!
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Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.
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I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.
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I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.
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