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Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Like
Funny
Woman
Beautiful
Young
Need
Cigarette
Sometimes
Confused
Needs
Sex
Men
Humor

More quotes by Dave Attell

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Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.
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Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100 diapering your monkey, 35 calories laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
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Sometimes. I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. I'm pretty low on the showbiz totem pole - I mean, I'm no Jon or Kate plus eight. I'm just a comic, not a baby factory.
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I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
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I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
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Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
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Jesse Joyce is a great writer.
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If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
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I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.
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I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
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If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus. Time to buy a Porsche.
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I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.
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So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.
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I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!
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I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother.
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What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.
Dave Attell
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I never wanted to be famous.
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Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.
Dave Attell