Quote

Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!

Dave Attell

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Thinking
Damn
Murder
Sex
Humor
Hell
Funny
Wells
Well

More quotes by Dave Attell

Image
I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
Dave Attell
Image
Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
Dave Attell
Image
It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.
Dave Attell
Image
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
Dave Attell
Image
Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.
Dave Attell
Image
You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun.
Dave Attell
Image
You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.
Dave Attell
Image
Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.
Dave Attell
Image
I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
Dave Attell
Image
I have no grand scheme.
Dave Attell
Image
I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother.
Dave Attell
Image
If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus. Time to buy a Porsche.
Dave Attell
Image
Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
Dave Attell
Image
What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
Dave Attell
Image
I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.
Dave Attell
Image
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
Dave Attell
Image
You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.
Dave Attell
Image
You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. Land mine '69. You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. Snow blower, bottle of whiskey. You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy.
Dave Attell
Image
Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.
Dave Attell
Image
Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
Dave Attell