Quote

Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!

Dave Attell

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Humor
Hell
Funny
Wells
Well
Thinking
Damn
Murder
Sex

More quotes by Dave Attell

Image
I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.
Dave Attell
Image
Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100 diapering your monkey, 35 calories laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
Dave Attell
Image
If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus. Time to buy a Porsche.
Dave Attell
Image
So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
Dave Attell
Image
I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.
Dave Attell
Image
I don't watch reality TV.
Dave Attell
Image
The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down!
Dave Attell
Image
You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun.
Dave Attell
Image
Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
Dave Attell
Image
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.
Dave Attell
Image
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
Dave Attell
Image
It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.
Dave Attell
Image
Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
Dave Attell
Image
So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.
Dave Attell
Image
Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
Dave Attell
Image
Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
Dave Attell
Image
I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
Dave Attell
Image
I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.
Dave Attell
Image
Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.
Dave Attell
Image
I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!
Dave Attell