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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Humor
Globes
Causes
Traveling
Funny
Mostly
Hate
Beat
Used
Dad
Beats
Travel
Cause
Globe

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I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
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I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.
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I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
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Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
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If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
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Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
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Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
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I never wanted to be famous.
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It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.
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Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.
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I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.
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I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.
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I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!
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You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. Land mine '69. You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. Snow blower, bottle of whiskey. You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy.
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If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus. Time to buy a Porsche.
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If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ride home.
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