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You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun.
Dave Attell
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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Shaking
Begun
Ass
Clock
Wakes
Tongue
Alarm
Karate
Alarms
Stance
More quotes by Dave Attell
Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.
Dave Attell
Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!
Dave Attell
Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.
Dave Attell
If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus. Time to buy a Porsche.
Dave Attell
I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.
Dave Attell
I never wanted to be famous.
Dave Attell
Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.
Dave Attell
Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.
Dave Attell
Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.
Dave Attell
You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.
Dave Attell
I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
Dave Attell
What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
Dave Attell
You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
Dave Attell
Being on the road is kind of lonely.
Dave Attell
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.
Dave Attell
Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
Dave Attell
You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. Land mine '69. You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. Snow blower, bottle of whiskey. You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy.
Dave Attell
I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.
Dave Attell
I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
Dave Attell
If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.
Dave Attell
