Quote

You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Karate
Alarms
Stance
Shaking
Begun
Ass
Clock
Wakes
Tongue
Alarm

More quotes by Dave Attell

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I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.
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I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.
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For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.
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Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
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Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
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You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.
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It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.
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You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
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Being on the road is kind of lonely.
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I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
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Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
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Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
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Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice those kids gotta get to school!
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I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
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Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.
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Sometimes. I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. I'm pretty low on the showbiz totem pole - I mean, I'm no Jon or Kate plus eight. I'm just a comic, not a baby factory.
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Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.
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I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.
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If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.
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