Quote

Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Behinds
Behind
Someone
Hooded
Right
Sweatshirt
Never
Sweatshirts
Think
Wearing
Thinking
Drunk
Eventually

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Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.
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Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
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I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!
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If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus. Time to buy a Porsche.
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Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.
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I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.
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You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. Land mine '69. You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. Snow blower, bottle of whiskey. You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy.
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I have no grand scheme.
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Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
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Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice those kids gotta get to school!
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I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
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I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
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For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.
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Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
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I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.
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Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.
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Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100 diapering your monkey, 35 calories laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
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I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.
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Sometimes. I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. I'm pretty low on the showbiz totem pole - I mean, I'm no Jon or Kate plus eight. I'm just a comic, not a baby factory.
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My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
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