Quote

Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Behinds
Behind
Someone
Hooded
Right
Sweatshirt
Never
Sweatshirts
Think
Wearing
Thinking
Drunk
Eventually

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Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
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I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.
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Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.
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So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.
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If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.
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Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
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You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. Land mine '69. You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. Snow blower, bottle of whiskey. You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy.
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What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
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My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
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The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down!
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I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
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I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
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I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.
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For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.
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I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!
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I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.
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Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
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I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother.
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I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
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