Quote

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Dave Attell

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Situation
Help
Helping
Many
Meth
Like
Crystal
Crystals
Teeth

More quotes by Dave Attell

Image
So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.
Dave Attell
Image
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
Dave Attell
Image
I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.
Dave Attell
Image
So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
Dave Attell
Image
You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun.
Dave Attell
Image
I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
Dave Attell
Image
For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.
Dave Attell
Image
What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
Dave Attell
Image
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.
Dave Attell
Image
Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
Dave Attell
Image
If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.
Dave Attell
Image
I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.
Dave Attell
Image
If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
Dave Attell
Image
I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
Dave Attell
Image
I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!
Dave Attell
Image
I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.
Dave Attell
Image
I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
Dave Attell
Image
Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice those kids gotta get to school!
Dave Attell
Image
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
Dave Attell
Image
I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
Dave Attell