Quote

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Dave Attell

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Helping
Many
Like
Meth
Crystal
Crystals
Teeth
Situation
Help

More quotes by Dave Attell

Image
Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
Dave Attell
Image
What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
Dave Attell
Image
I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.
Dave Attell
Image
I have no grand scheme.
Dave Attell
Image
I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
Dave Attell
Image
Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
Dave Attell
Image
You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. Land mine '69. You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. Snow blower, bottle of whiskey. You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy.
Dave Attell
Image
For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.
Dave Attell
Image
You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.
Dave Attell
Image
So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.
Dave Attell
Image
I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.
Dave Attell
Image
My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
Dave Attell
Image
Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
Dave Attell
Image
A joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it. They react to it in the wrong way. I mean, you can boo or laugh, and that's pretty much what you're supposed to do with jokes. You're not supposed to take it any further than that.
Dave Attell
Image
Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.
Dave Attell
Image
Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.
Dave Attell
Image
I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!
Dave Attell
Image
I don't watch reality TV.
Dave Attell
Image
The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down!
Dave Attell
Image
You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
Dave Attell