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Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
Dave Attell
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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Remember
Wears
Young
Drunk
Think
Realized
Thinking
Dad
Humor
Grow
Cape
Grows
Capes
Funny
Superman
More quotes by Dave Attell
If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
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For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.
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Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
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I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.
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Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
Dave Attell
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
Dave Attell
Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
Dave Attell
Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100 diapering your monkey, 35 calories laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
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I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!
Dave Attell
If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ride home.
Dave Attell
Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.
Dave Attell
I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
Dave Attell
I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.
Dave Attell
I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
Dave Attell
I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
Dave Attell
If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus. Time to buy a Porsche.
Dave Attell
You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.
Dave Attell
I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
Dave Attell
I never wanted to be famous.
Dave Attell
So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
Dave Attell