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Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
Dave Attell
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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Young
Drunk
Think
Realized
Thinking
Dad
Humor
Grow
Cape
Grows
Capes
Funny
Superman
Remember
Wears
More quotes by Dave Attell
Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.
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I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.
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I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
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I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!
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I don't watch reality TV.
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I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!
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I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.
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I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.
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So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.
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I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother.
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Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100 diapering your monkey, 35 calories laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
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The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down!
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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
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I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
Dave Attell
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
Dave Attell
I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
Dave Attell
Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
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A joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it. They react to it in the wrong way. I mean, you can boo or laugh, and that's pretty much what you're supposed to do with jokes. You're not supposed to take it any further than that.
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Jesse Joyce is a great writer.
Dave Attell