Quote

Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Even
Pointing
Kind
Breathing
Heavy
Laughter
Humor
Boys
Funny
Mute
Everyone
Deaf

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You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
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You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.
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What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
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Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
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Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!
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I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.
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If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
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You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. Land mine '69. You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. Snow blower, bottle of whiskey. You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy.
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Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
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Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.
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For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.
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If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ride home.
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Jesse Joyce is a great writer.
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Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.
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I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.
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Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100 diapering your monkey, 35 calories laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
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It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.
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I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.
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I have no grand scheme.
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Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.
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