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I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Lets
Boring
Imagination
Reality
Going
Life

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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
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What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
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Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.
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I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.
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You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.
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Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice those kids gotta get to school!
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I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.
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I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
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I never wanted to be famous.
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For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.
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For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.
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It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.
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Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
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I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
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I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
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You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
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Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.
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Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
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I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.
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If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ride home.
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