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I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.
Dave Attell
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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Funny
Seems
Good
Sitcom
Fit
Movie
Guy
Whatever
More quotes by Dave Attell
Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!
Dave Attell
Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100 diapering your monkey, 35 calories laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
Dave Attell
I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.
Dave Attell
Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
Dave Attell
Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
Dave Attell
Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.
Dave Attell
Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
Dave Attell
I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
Dave Attell
I never wanted to be famous.
Dave Attell
I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
Dave Attell
Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.
Dave Attell
I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.
Dave Attell
If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ride home.
Dave Attell
I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.
Dave Attell
My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
Dave Attell
You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. Land mine '69. You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. Snow blower, bottle of whiskey. You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy.
Dave Attell
I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
Dave Attell
Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.
Dave Attell
If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.
Dave Attell
Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
Dave Attell
