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I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Ears
Seeing
Movie
Almost
Music
Feel
Feels
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More quotes by Dave Attell

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Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.
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Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.
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I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.
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I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.
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Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.
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Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
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The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down!
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Jesse Joyce is a great writer.
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Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100 diapering your monkey, 35 calories laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
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I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!
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I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.
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It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.
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Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
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If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.
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You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
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I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
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I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
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Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
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If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus. Time to buy a Porsche.
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