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I don't watch reality TV.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Watch
Reality
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More quotes by Dave Attell

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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.
Dave Attell
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I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
Dave Attell
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What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
Dave Attell
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Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.
Dave Attell
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My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
Dave Attell
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I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
Dave Attell
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Sometimes. I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. I'm pretty low on the showbiz totem pole - I mean, I'm no Jon or Kate plus eight. I'm just a comic, not a baby factory.
Dave Attell
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A joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it. They react to it in the wrong way. I mean, you can boo or laugh, and that's pretty much what you're supposed to do with jokes. You're not supposed to take it any further than that.
Dave Attell
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Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.
Dave Attell
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I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.
Dave Attell
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It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.
Dave Attell
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Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
Dave Attell
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I have no grand scheme.
Dave Attell
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I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.
Dave Attell
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I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!
Dave Attell
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I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother.
Dave Attell
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So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.
Dave Attell
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You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.
Dave Attell
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The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down!
Dave Attell
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I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
Dave Attell