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I don't watch reality TV.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Watches
Watch
Reality

More quotes by Dave Attell

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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.
Dave Attell
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Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
Dave Attell
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Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice those kids gotta get to school!
Dave Attell
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Being on the road is kind of lonely.
Dave Attell
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If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.
Dave Attell
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I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
Dave Attell
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Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
Dave Attell
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My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
Dave Attell
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I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.
Dave Attell
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If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus. Time to buy a Porsche.
Dave Attell
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You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
Dave Attell
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Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!
Dave Attell
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I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!
Dave Attell
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Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.
Dave Attell
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Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.
Dave Attell
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I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother.
Dave Attell
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
Dave Attell
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I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.
Dave Attell
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Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.
Dave Attell
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I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.
Dave Attell