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Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice those kids gotta get to school!
Dave Attell
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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
School
Car
Sometimes
Yeah
People
Choice
Humor
Cops
Choices
Cop
Call
Gotta
Funny
Drunk
Kids
Driving
More quotes by Dave Attell
A joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it. They react to it in the wrong way. I mean, you can boo or laugh, and that's pretty much what you're supposed to do with jokes. You're not supposed to take it any further than that.
Dave Attell
Jesse Joyce is a great writer.
Dave Attell
I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
Dave Attell
Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
Dave Attell
Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
Dave Attell
Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.
Dave Attell
I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.
Dave Attell
You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.
Dave Attell
I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!
Dave Attell
Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.
Dave Attell
I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.
Dave Attell
So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
Dave Attell
I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
Dave Attell
Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
Dave Attell
Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!
Dave Attell
I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.
Dave Attell
It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.
Dave Attell
I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.
Dave Attell
For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.
Dave Attell
Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100 diapering your monkey, 35 calories laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
Dave Attell
