Quote

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice those kids gotta get to school!

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Kids
Driving
School
Car
Sometimes
Yeah
People
Choice
Humor
Cops
Choices
Cop
Call
Gotta
Funny
Drunk

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If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.
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Sometimes. I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. I'm pretty low on the showbiz totem pole - I mean, I'm no Jon or Kate plus eight. I'm just a comic, not a baby factory.
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I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
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I never wanted to be famous.
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What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
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I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.
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I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
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Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
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Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
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If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ride home.
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I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
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It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.
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You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. Land mine '69. You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. Snow blower, bottle of whiskey. You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy.
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Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
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Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.
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If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
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I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
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The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down!
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I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!
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