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What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
Dave Attell
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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Rivers
Combine
Sea
Chicken
Humor
Chickens
Funny
Lakes
Tell
Fishing
Two
Fish
Penguin
Things
Fishes
Healthiest
Boat
Penguins
More quotes by Dave Attell
For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.
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Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
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Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
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My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
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You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun.
Dave Attell
I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.
Dave Attell
I never wanted to be famous.
Dave Attell
Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.
Dave Attell
I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
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Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!
Dave Attell
I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.
Dave Attell
I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.
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I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
Dave Attell
I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother.
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Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
Dave Attell
For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.
Dave Attell
You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.
Dave Attell
I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.
Dave Attell
Being on the road is kind of lonely.
Dave Attell
Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.
Dave Attell
