Quote

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

Dave Attell

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Dave Attell
Age: 59
Born: 1965
Born: January 18
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Rockville Centre
New York
Funny
Lakes
Tell
Fishing
Two
Fish
Penguin
Things
Fishes
Healthiest
Boat
Penguins
Rivers
Combine
Sea
Chicken
Humor
Chickens

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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
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I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
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Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
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Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.
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I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother.
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I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!
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Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.
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Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
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Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100 diapering your monkey, 35 calories laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
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I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
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I have no grand scheme.
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Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice those kids gotta get to school!
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You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.
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Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
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I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.
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I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!
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Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
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You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun.
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If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus. Time to buy a Porsche.
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I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
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