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How would you like your eggs? I tried. I really did. But I glanced at his crotch and it came out anyway. Fertilized?

Darynda Jones

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Darynda Jones
Age: 59
Author
Novelist
Writer
Friona
Texas
Tried
Came
Really
Fertilized
Would
Crotch
Like
Glanced
Eggs
Anyway

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You can't fix stupid, but you can numb it was a 2 by 4.--T-SHIRT
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Death comes to those who wait. And to those who don't. So either way.
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There comes a moment when you know you just aren't going to do anything esle productive for the rest of the day.-T-Shirt
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It’s all fun and games until someone loses a testicle. —T-SHIRT
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Does Uncle Bob have anything? I heard he has an STD. I mean on the women. Oh, I have no idea if they have any STDs.
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He bombarded me with words, of all things, apparently clueless to the fact that the predawn hours rendered me incapable of coherent thought.
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I could hardly be responsible for my actions when everyone around me gave me every opportunity to sink to their low expectations.
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What did one say to a stalker? Um, pardon me, Mr.Stalker, but could you, like, not?
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Before I tell you, I have to know three things, I said. Okay. One, are you sitting down? Yes. Two, are you mentally stable? More than you'll ever be. Well, that was uncalled for. And three, how do you spell schizophrenia? What does that have to do with anything? Nothing. I just wanted to see if you'd tell me.
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I was white. Chalk had more color than I did. And quite possibly more personality.
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I did that thing where you scratch your eyebrow and flip someone off at the same time. I'm good at multitasking like that.
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SARC- was my second favorite -ASM word
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“Time-out,” I said... He twisted his hand around and wound his fingers into mine. “You‘re putting me in time-out?” “Yes,” I said as a shaky sigh slid through my lips. “If I don't go, do I get a spanking?”
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Do not disturb. Already there.
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I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. - T-SHIRT
Darynda Jones
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I know, he said in almost bored contemplation. My manners suck. I like to chalk it up to a dissatisfying childhood. I'd chalk it up to that narcissistic personality disorder laces with a smidgen of schizophrenia. Your mother would be proud.
Darynda Jones
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I like to see the glass as half full, hopefully of jack daniels.
Darynda Jones
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Still, this whole grim reaper thing should have come with a manual. Or a diagram of some kind. A flowchart would have been nice.
Darynda Jones
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Reyes leaned back against the bar, crossed his arms over his chest, and studied me from beneath those same ridiculously long lashes. Men and their freaking lashes. It was so unfair. Like the exorbitant cost of designer shoes. Or world hunger.
Darynda Jones
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Pretending to drink coffee was similar to faking an orgasm.
Darynda Jones