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After a geological epoch passed in which single-celled organisms evolved into talk show hosts, Mr. Coffee was still holding out on me.

Darynda Jones

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Darynda Jones
Age: 59
Author
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Friona
Texas
Evolved
Show
Shows
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Still
Holding
Celled
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Geological
Coffee
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More quotes by Darynda Jones

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That you honestly believe I am capable of hurting innocent people for no reason.” “You’re not?” I asked, hope softening my voice. “Oh, no, I’m more than capable. I just didn’t realize you knew that.
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Still, this whole grim reaper thing should have come with a manual. Or a diagram of some kind. A flowchart would have been nice.
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I'm a virgin. But this is an old shirt. --T-SHIRT
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I did that thing where you scratch your eyebrow and flip someone off at the same time. I'm good at multitasking like that.
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Maybe I needed sensitivity training. I once signed up for an anger management class, but the instructor pissed me off.
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He was like chocolate-covered heroin, and I was an addict through and through.
Darynda Jones
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But have you ever seen one?....They shook their heads. Not Physically, no. But if you look at this passage - Man, she liked that Bible. I'd read it and could definitely understand it's appeal, but I didn't have time for this.
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Hello? I said, because Charley's House of Pasties seemed wrong.
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Insanity does NOT run in my family. It strolls through, takes it's time, and gets to know everyone personally - T-Shirt
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Mistakes were made. Others were blamed.
Darynda Jones
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I went down like a drunken cowgirl trying to line dance to Metallica.
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I chose the road less traveled. Now I'm lost.
Darynda Jones
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Want coffee? I asked, as I headed that way. It's three thirty in the morning. Okay. Want coffee?
Darynda Jones
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Let me express how much I don't care on a scale of one to bite me, the former detective said.
Darynda Jones
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SARC- was my second favorite -ASM word
Darynda Jones
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Then I asked her if she wanted to to the funeral, and my God, the look on her face. You'd think I'd asked her to drown the neighbor's cat. Admittedly, drowning the neighbor's cat didn't really clue me in as much as I would've liked. So, she was angry? He blinked back to me and stared. Like a long time.
Darynda Jones
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Okay, I'll strip. I'll tap dance. I'll sing 'La Cucaracha' in C minor.
Darynda Jones
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Oh, and she told me that men want only one thing. And on that note, I must give praise and thanks to the powers that be. I don't want much else from them either.
Darynda Jones
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.. an emergency stash of Thin Mints. Frickin' Girl Scouts. Those things were way to addictive. They had to be laced with crack. Charlie Davidson Fourth Grave Beneath my Feet
Darynda Jones
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I know, he said in almost bored contemplation. My manners suck. I like to chalk it up to a dissatisfying childhood. I'd chalk it up to that narcissistic personality disorder laces with a smidgen of schizophrenia. Your mother would be proud.
Darynda Jones