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Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Good
Mouth
Like
Mouths
Benefits
Honest
Aspens
Family
Aspen
Making
Foul
Living
Talks
Whole
Christmas

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.
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Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.
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You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
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I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
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Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.
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If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
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I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
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Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.
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I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.
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Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones.
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Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.
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The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.
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I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.
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I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.
Daniel Tosh
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Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.
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I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
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I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.
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I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.
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I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
Daniel Tosh