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Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Family
Aspen
Making
Foul
Living
Talks
Whole
Christmas
Good
Mouth
Like
Mouths
Benefits
Honest
Aspens

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Kangoroos can't hop backwards.
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Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.
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I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.
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Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.
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My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.
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I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place?
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God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
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Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.
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If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.
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Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.
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Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.
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Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
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I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
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I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.
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If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.
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If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
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Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.
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Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.
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If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?
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I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
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