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Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Good
Mouth
Like
Mouths
Benefits
Honest
Aspens
Family
Aspen
Making
Foul
Living
Talks
Whole
Christmas

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships it makes me feel like I'm watching a commercial.
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Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.
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I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
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You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
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I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
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I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.
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Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
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Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.
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You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.
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Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.
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Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.
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I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.
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I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
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Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.
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No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all
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I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.
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Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.
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I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
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