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Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Good
Mouth
Like
Mouths
Benefits
Honest
Aspens
Family
Aspen
Making
Foul
Living
Talks
Whole
Christmas

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Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.
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No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all
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No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.
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Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
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You should never eat when you're on the toilet. But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk! That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
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I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.
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Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.
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I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
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I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.
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I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
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Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think how can you make a joke about this?
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Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.
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I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.
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Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.
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It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!
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I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.
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If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.
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