Quote

Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think how can you make a joke about this?

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Think
Jokes
Burritos
Thinking
Stand
Salsa
Life
Funny
Tortured
Happens
Locals
Trying
Local
Something
Joke
Really
Bars
Make
Horrible
Burrito

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.
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Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.
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I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.
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I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.
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You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
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You are a sick freak who should be beaten.
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Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
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I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
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Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
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I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.
Daniel Tosh
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My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.
Daniel Tosh
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That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
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If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.
Daniel Tosh
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I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
Daniel Tosh
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I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
Daniel Tosh
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I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.
Daniel Tosh
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I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.
Daniel Tosh
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I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'
Daniel Tosh
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Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?
Daniel Tosh