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I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.
Daniel Tosh
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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Great
Apparently
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People
Ball
Balls
Numbers
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Finances
More quotes by Daniel Tosh
People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.
Daniel Tosh
No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.
Daniel Tosh
I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
Daniel Tosh
I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
Daniel Tosh
That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
Daniel Tosh
The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships it makes me feel like I'm watching a commercial.
Daniel Tosh
If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.
Daniel Tosh
I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
Daniel Tosh
Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.
Daniel Tosh
I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.
Daniel Tosh
If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?
Daniel Tosh
Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.
Daniel Tosh
Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.
Daniel Tosh
Kangoroos can't hop backwards.
Daniel Tosh
I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.
Daniel Tosh
Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
Daniel Tosh
You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
Daniel Tosh
I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'
Daniel Tosh
I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
Daniel Tosh
Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.
Daniel Tosh