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I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.
Daniel Tosh
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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Wouldn
Laughing
College
Went
Head
Graduated
Jobs
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Interviews
More quotes by Daniel Tosh
There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.
Daniel Tosh
Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'
Daniel Tosh
Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.
Daniel Tosh
I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.
Daniel Tosh
I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.
Daniel Tosh
Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.
Daniel Tosh
Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
Daniel Tosh
Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.
Daniel Tosh
I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
Daniel Tosh
I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.
Daniel Tosh
The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.
Daniel Tosh
It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.
Daniel Tosh
Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.
Daniel Tosh
I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fakeWe have shows like Extreme Make-Over: “I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
Daniel Tosh
I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.
Daniel Tosh
I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.
Daniel Tosh
I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
Daniel Tosh
God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
Daniel Tosh
I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?
Daniel Tosh
My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.
Daniel Tosh
