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I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.
Daniel Tosh
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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
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Talents
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More quotes by Daniel Tosh
The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
Daniel Tosh
The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships it makes me feel like I'm watching a commercial.
Daniel Tosh
You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.
Daniel Tosh
If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.
Daniel Tosh
Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.
Daniel Tosh
No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.
Daniel Tosh
Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.
Daniel Tosh
God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
Daniel Tosh
Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.
Daniel Tosh
Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.
Daniel Tosh
If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.
Daniel Tosh
That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
Daniel Tosh
I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
Daniel Tosh
Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
Daniel Tosh
I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
Daniel Tosh
How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
Daniel Tosh
Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.
Daniel Tosh
Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.
Daniel Tosh
Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.
Daniel Tosh
I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?
Daniel Tosh
