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The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Notice
Sign
Watching
Cyclist
Stop
Cyclists
Enjoy
Bounce
Hood
Obey
Enjoying

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Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.
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You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
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I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.
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Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.
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I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
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Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.
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Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
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Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.
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Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.
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I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.
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I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
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If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
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I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place?
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You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.
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No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.
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I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'
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You ever hear girls say that? I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual. I like to reply with I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
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I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
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