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The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.
Daniel Tosh
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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Obey
Enjoying
Notice
Sign
Cyclist
Watching
Stop
Cyclists
Enjoy
Bounce
Hood
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I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.
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It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.
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Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.
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I like my women like I like my coffee . . . I don’t like coffee.
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Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.
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Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.
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Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.
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I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!
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If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.
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The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
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You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
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You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.
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I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
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It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
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I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.
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You are a sick freak who should be beaten.
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I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
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