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The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Obey
Enjoying
Notice
Sign
Watching
Cyclist
Stop
Cyclists
Enjoy
Bounce
Hood

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I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.
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If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
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Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.
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If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.
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Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.
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Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think how can you make a joke about this?
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You ever hear girls say that? I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual. I like to reply with I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?
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Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.
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People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.
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It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!
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The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
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It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.
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Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.
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I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.
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Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.
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