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Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Gym
Mask
Balls
Smell
Fact
Facts
Like
Decorating
Smells

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You ever hear girls say that? I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual. I like to reply with I'm not honest, but you're interesting!
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Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'
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Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.
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It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.
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You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.
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Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
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Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?
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I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
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Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
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I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.
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I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
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Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.
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Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.
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Sometimes my mind wanders other times it leaves completely.
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If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
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You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun.
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Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.
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I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
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I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.
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Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.
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