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You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Bombs
Build
Learning
Really
Shuts
Pipe
Bully
Bomb

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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You are a sick freak who should be beaten.
Daniel Tosh
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I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
Daniel Tosh
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Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.
Daniel Tosh
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It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
Daniel Tosh
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Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.
Daniel Tosh
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You should never eat when you're on the toilet. But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk! That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
Daniel Tosh
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Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.
Daniel Tosh
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I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place?
Daniel Tosh
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I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.
Daniel Tosh
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Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.
Daniel Tosh
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Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
Daniel Tosh
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If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.
Daniel Tosh
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I like my women like I like my coffee . . . I don’t like coffee.
Daniel Tosh
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I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
Daniel Tosh
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Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.
Daniel Tosh
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You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.
Daniel Tosh
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A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.
Daniel Tosh
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No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.
Daniel Tosh
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I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
Daniel Tosh
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Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.
Daniel Tosh