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You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Shuts
Pipe
Bully
Bomb
Bombs
Build
Learning
Really

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.
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My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.
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I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.
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Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.
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The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
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If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.
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No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.
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No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.
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It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
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The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.
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If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.
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Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.
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Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
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Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.
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I like my women like I like my coffee . . . I don’t like coffee.
Daniel Tosh
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I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
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I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
Daniel Tosh
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I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.
Daniel Tosh
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Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.
Daniel Tosh
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Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
Daniel Tosh