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You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Really
Shuts
Pipe
Bully
Bomb
Bombs
Build
Learning

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.
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Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
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I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
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I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!
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Kangoroos can't hop backwards.
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I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.
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I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.
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I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.
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I like my women like I like my coffee . . . I don’t like coffee.
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I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
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Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.
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Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.
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The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.
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How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
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If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
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Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
Daniel Tosh
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Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.
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I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.
Daniel Tosh
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I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.
Daniel Tosh
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The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships it makes me feel like I'm watching a commercial.
Daniel Tosh