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You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Really
Shuts
Pipe
Bully
Bomb
Bombs
Build
Learning

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Kangoroos can't hop backwards.
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e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
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If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.
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I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
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I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.
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I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.
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I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.
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I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.
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I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
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If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.
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I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
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Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.
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I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
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Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?
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Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.
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At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.
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You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.
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If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.
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I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.
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Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
Daniel Tosh