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You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Harpoon
Toes
Staff
Gun
Keeps
Really

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
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Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.
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I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
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The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.
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Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.
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Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?
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Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.
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I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'
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Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
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Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.
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I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.
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I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
Daniel Tosh
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I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!
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I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.
Daniel Tosh
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I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out.
Daniel Tosh
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People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.
Daniel Tosh
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I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
Daniel Tosh
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I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.
Daniel Tosh
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I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
Daniel Tosh
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If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
Daniel Tosh