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You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: May 29
Actor
Comedian
Dancer
Executive Producer
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Singer
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Boppard am Rhein
Daniel Dwight Tosh
Really
Harpoon
Toes
Staff
Gun
Keeps

More quotes by Daniel Tosh

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God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.
Daniel Tosh
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It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.
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Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'
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Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.
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I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
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I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
Daniel Tosh
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Kangoroos can't hop backwards.
Daniel Tosh
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I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.
Daniel Tosh
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I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
Daniel Tosh
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Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones.
Daniel Tosh
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I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
Daniel Tosh
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I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
Daniel Tosh
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Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.
Daniel Tosh
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Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
Daniel Tosh
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If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.
Daniel Tosh
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Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
Daniel Tosh
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I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.
Daniel Tosh
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Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.
Daniel Tosh
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I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.
Daniel Tosh
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Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.
Daniel Tosh